So... I dyed my hair. This is what I now look like!
Quite a big change huh? For those of you who don't know what I looked like before... here is a before and after shot.
I have been asked, probably a thousand times why I decided to do this to my hair. Which honestly translates to me, "Man, you looked way better beforehand!" To most, I respond with, "because I wanted to look hott!" or "I just needed a change!"
While neither of those reasons are wrong, there is a deeper reason that I changed my hair. With so much going on in my life right now, my brother in law and sister going off into the MTC, and Zack graduating with his masters being right around the corner, I was just feeling left behind. Zack graduating means that we are done with school. Something that I have been waiting for since basically the day that we got married! Our whole marriage has been him going to school and me going to school and working. We have never had a substantial income. We have had enough to get by (with loans for grad school), but not really much extra. I guess I should be ecstatic that this time period is coming to an end, but really, I am scared to death! I guess I thought by now that our lives would just look a little different. I thought before that we would have a child before we graduated from SUU. Now our time here at ND has come to an end, and yet, we leave here childless. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for what Zack and I have, and this wonderful time that we have had to spend together, getting to know each other and falling more in love. I know that if we would have had a child that ND wouldn't have been a viable option for us financially. I love the life we have. I just also know that there is a special kind of love that grows between a man and his wife when they raise their children. I feel that what Zack and I have is something special. Something so special, that bringing a child in to be a part of our family would only strengthen it. I guess it all comes down to, I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I feel like I am trying to move forward, but my forward progress isn't really in my control. It seems like everyone that I know is either pregnant, graduating, finding awesome jobs, or heading off into the future in some other way. And I'm over here like, oh hey! Can I watch your kids and pretend they're mine? I mean most of the people that got married around when Zack and I did are on their second kid now. And this whole feeling of not moving forward is just amplified by the fact that we aren't sure where we are going in May yet, and I, therefore, cannot start applying for jobs or looking for housing or deciding what my next move is. Then I realized. I am just letting the baby thing rule my whole life. I AM moving forward. I graduated college in December for Heaven's sake! The only area that I haven't progressed in is being a Mom, and that isn't really in my control. SO... I sold my baby bassinet that I had been saving for our baby to sleep in, and I dyed my hair. I love the blonde. Yes, it is more damaged than it was, yes, I know that it took some getting used to, especially for Zack, yes, it probably was a little expensive, and yes, I love it anyway.
This change in my hair signifies a change in my attitude. Even though there is not a lot in my life that I can control right now, I could change my hair. So, every time I look in the mirror, I remember that I sold that baby bassinet that I loved, and by doing that, I took back a little bit of control. I no longer have to walk by that beautiful piece of furniture and have it remind me of what I don't have yet. Now I get to look in the mirror and remember that I am beautiful. And that makes me happy.
Quite a big change huh? For those of you who don't know what I looked like before... here is a before and after shot.
I have been asked, probably a thousand times why I decided to do this to my hair. Which honestly translates to me, "Man, you looked way better beforehand!" To most, I respond with, "because I wanted to look hott!" or "I just needed a change!"
While neither of those reasons are wrong, there is a deeper reason that I changed my hair. With so much going on in my life right now, my brother in law and sister going off into the MTC, and Zack graduating with his masters being right around the corner, I was just feeling left behind. Zack graduating means that we are done with school. Something that I have been waiting for since basically the day that we got married! Our whole marriage has been him going to school and me going to school and working. We have never had a substantial income. We have had enough to get by (with loans for grad school), but not really much extra. I guess I should be ecstatic that this time period is coming to an end, but really, I am scared to death! I guess I thought by now that our lives would just look a little different. I thought before that we would have a child before we graduated from SUU. Now our time here at ND has come to an end, and yet, we leave here childless. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for what Zack and I have, and this wonderful time that we have had to spend together, getting to know each other and falling more in love. I know that if we would have had a child that ND wouldn't have been a viable option for us financially. I love the life we have. I just also know that there is a special kind of love that grows between a man and his wife when they raise their children. I feel that what Zack and I have is something special. Something so special, that bringing a child in to be a part of our family would only strengthen it. I guess it all comes down to, I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I feel like I am trying to move forward, but my forward progress isn't really in my control. It seems like everyone that I know is either pregnant, graduating, finding awesome jobs, or heading off into the future in some other way. And I'm over here like, oh hey! Can I watch your kids and pretend they're mine? I mean most of the people that got married around when Zack and I did are on their second kid now. And this whole feeling of not moving forward is just amplified by the fact that we aren't sure where we are going in May yet, and I, therefore, cannot start applying for jobs or looking for housing or deciding what my next move is. Then I realized. I am just letting the baby thing rule my whole life. I AM moving forward. I graduated college in December for Heaven's sake! The only area that I haven't progressed in is being a Mom, and that isn't really in my control. SO... I sold my baby bassinet that I had been saving for our baby to sleep in, and I dyed my hair. I love the blonde. Yes, it is more damaged than it was, yes, I know that it took some getting used to, especially for Zack, yes, it probably was a little expensive, and yes, I love it anyway.
This change in my hair signifies a change in my attitude. Even though there is not a lot in my life that I can control right now, I could change my hair. So, every time I look in the mirror, I remember that I sold that baby bassinet that I loved, and by doing that, I took back a little bit of control. I no longer have to walk by that beautiful piece of furniture and have it remind me of what I don't have yet. Now I get to look in the mirror and remember that I am beautiful. And that makes me happy.
I think you're amazing and sometimes change is what we need!! (AND your hair is absolutely gorgeous both ways...I love what you have done with it!!) You have accomplished some pretty amazing things in your life already and I'm glad you have the attitude you do because you're great! I also can't believe your time there is over -- I feel like you just announced the news that he got into school there. Once again, Bailey...you are pretty amazing and I am impressed with everything you have accomplished and the person you are! :)
ReplyDeleteYour posts seem to be a mirror of how I am feeling. Hence the chopping of my hair...sometimes when peoples lives seem to be changing around us, we need to feel that same way. I love this new change in your hair, I may even like the light more than the dark...but you are gorgeous either way :) I am proud of you for taking that step, I don't think some people understand the importance of the meaning of that bassinet. Eventually we will have our time to bring sweet babies into this world, but for now we get to enjoy what Heavenly Father has given us so far. You two are having such a fun journey right now and I am so beyond proud of you both for making it into such a learning experience! Miss you tons!
ReplyDeleteI love that you made the decision to let go. I know it is a super hard one. I totally understand being stuck. I was there and when I stepped back and said it is really not in my hands it got a lot easier to go from day to day. Your time to have a sweet baby in your home will come. I can't tell you when but I can tell you that you will be such an amazing mom to the little soul that comes to you. I love reading how you and Zach enjoy life together that is such a beautiful gift. Nowadays many people don't take the time to do that so I really do think it is so awesome. By the way I love your hair. I think it is super cute and fits the spunk that you have! Good luck on your new journey now that school is over :)
ReplyDeleteOh Bailey. I almost hate that I can relate so much to this. My heart breaks for you. I hope and pray that we'll both be blessed with the comfort that you don't have to be a mom to have a life. I've been working on realizing this in my own life and trying to enjoy all the blessings I DO have and enjoying the experiences that I have BECAUSE I'm not a mom yet. That time will come for both of us--I'm sure of it. May the Lord bless you with peace and contentment in the meantime. Love you girl!
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