Inspiration

Well, for those of you who don't know, millions of women struggle with infertility.  Some struggle with specific problems, some with unexplained issues, some with miscarriage, and some, for no reason at all it seems can't get pregnant.  I don't know which category I fall into to be honest.  Probably the miscarriage one mixed with unexplained.  Regardless, when you realize you have a hard time having a baby, people "come out" all around you telling you how either they or someone they know has struggled to build their family.  I think that aside from losing your husband, not being able to get pregnant is one of the hardest things a woman can go through, especially if you believe your role in this earthly life is to be a mother.  It causes depression and anxiety and so much hardship.  It can put strain on your marriage and you become sensitive to EVERYTHING around you.  Things that you shouldn't be sensitive about just are amplified and different comments that mean no harm whatsoever can be a knife through your heart.

And then, all of your friends and family are pregnant or have kids and its honestly hard to be around them without feeling sorry for yourself.  Or people tell you to "relax. its because you are so stressed that it won't happen for you". I think that is a pet peeve of anyone who struggles with infertility.  While there is definitely something to be said about not stressing and relaxing and putting your mind on other things, its pretty much impossible for those of us who want nothing more than to be a mother to just relax and forget about it. I wish I could tell people, don't tell me to relax! Tell me to keep plugging away! It will happen when it is supposed to.  Not that that is easy to hear either, because "when its supposed to" might be forever away, but we can't relax about this.  It is too painful, and there are reminders literally everywhere that you go.

Now, that being said, as women who struggle to start or grow our families, we often get WAY to bogged down talking about the pain.  So this post is for all of us.  I heard this love song. I'm sure most everyone has, but for some reason, to me, it felt like the situation that I'm in.  Every word of this song inspires me and is perfect for the infertility situation.  So I took the song and put some pictures to it in hopes to inspire.  I am a serious novice at all of this, but the movie is here with a little bit of inspiring notes afterwards.  If you hate it, so be it, but it inspires me, so I thought I'd share.

I hope that we can all realize that we need to keep fighting for our future children.  Every Day we need to fight. whether its eating healthier, gaining or losing weight, or just plain growing closer to our Heavenly Father, our children deserve our fight for them.  And through that fight, we need to remember all of the blessings that we have gained through these trials.  For me, I know that I have gained a greater love for my savior and especially a greater love for my husband.  I know that our relationship will withstand anything that is thrown at us, and that Zack is the single most important thing to me here on this earth.  I know that Marriage is Eternal and I know that I am loved.  Focus on those.

Til next time!

Life in SB!

Well, It has been a while since the last post. I figure we should post an update on what has been going on with our life here in South Bend!  In the past two weeks, Zack finished his first round of classes, and came out with amazing grades! So that is a pretty good news! And I started working which is like the best ever because I was almost to the point of insanity with not enough to do while sitting around at home. I mean, there is only so much laundry and cooking and working out that you can do before you go crazy being alone all day! At least now I have a cute little girl to hang out with and talk to.  It seriously makes all the difference!  Other than that, we have just really had a blast cooking different dinners and going on our weekly dates!  We have made some great new friends and are really enjoying ourselves out here!  Below are some pictures of our live. hope you enjoy!

This is Molly, the little girl I get to spend time with.  She is so happy and cuddly and fun, I am lucky to be watching her

We went with some great new friends that we made here and played games! This is the score of Rook.  As you can see, the teams were split Men and women, but the score shows us the proper name of the teams would have be little boys and female geniuses.  It was seriously so fun! We played games and fed the crazy geese outside their apartment! it was so funny watching them fight over it.

This is a little fella that I found outside my apartment one day, I almost stepped on him, and he scared the crap out of me!!

So, our bed spread is grey.  I am trying to make our room feel a little more "homey" and wand to add yellow pillows to our bed.  Then I also am going to paint some canvas in a chevron pattern with yellow and white.  But I am trying to figure out  what fabric to use to make the pillow cases.  But I want something that is versatile because I hope to get new bedding before too long and would like the pillows I make to match my future bedding.  My future bedding will be black and white patterned. Any ideas? or should I choose something just plain?

Fathers Day!

Well, it is Father's Day.what a wonderful day to celebrate!  It is hard not to be able to see our dads on this day, but I can at least write a little tribute to them.  Happy Fathers Day to all the Dads out there!Especially my Dad and Father-in-law, but most importantly, my husband.  I know that he technically isn't a dad yet, but he is the father of my future children.  Plus of course the Benson kids.  I could not be more grateful for the concept of Eternal Families and the fact that I know that my Dad, father-in-law, and husband will always be a part of my life and that I will never have to say goodbye to them forever. 

To learn more about Eternal Families and my beliefs visit

www.mormon.org

I have posted a few pictures of our dads with some thoughts about each.  Hope you enjoy!  Happy Father's Day!

Our Wedding day, obviously.  It is so funny how when you first get married, everything is just so simple.  I looked so outwardly happy! I know that I am still this happy, but because I have gotten used to this man being by my side, sometimes I don't remember to show how happy it makes me.  Looking at this picture makes me remember how lucky I am to have the man of my dreams as my husband, the father of my future children.  I know that we will be parents one day, and until then, I am happy to hog my husband all to  myself!!

This is my favorite.  At my wedding, I swear my dad pretended to be a pimp.  He wore that sweet pimp hat and during this dance he stuffed cash into my bra to help us pay for our honeymoon sweet.  I could not be more grateful for the man who gave me life and is always there to help me out, my daddy, pops, or father. I call him all of those names, and he lives up to all of them. I love his silliness and his love and excitement for life.

So, at my wedding, my dad didn't do the whole crying thing.  In fact, I wanted to have like a tear jerking father daughter dance, but like I just said, he wore a pimp hat and put money in my bra.  I honestly don't think I realized how grateful I was for my dad until I saw this picture.  It is so perfect.  He is always there to make a joke of things and lighten the mood, but he also appreciates special moments.  My dad didn't cry at my wedding, he rejoiced.  I am so grateful for his complete love for me and his happiness for my finding my eternal companion.  He knew that Zack was (and still is and always will be) perfect for me, so he rejoiced in my joy.  My dad freaking rocks.

I couldn't talk about Fathers Day without talking about my awesome father-in-law.  When I first met him, I was VERY intimidated.  He was a little quiet, and the first real conversation that we had, he made me cry. (let me clarify, it was a good thing! he was just gearing me up for married life and it was the perfect reality check for me).  At first I loved Mike because of the love he has for Zack.  For the relationship that he forged with my husband and for raising my husband to be who he is.  However over the past few years I have come to really love this man for who he is.  He is strong, tough, spiritual, hard working, stern, just basically an all around cowboy.  But you put little kids around him, and a whole new side reveals itself.  He is tender and loving and kind.  He loves to show children the horses and is so incredibly sweet with them.  He truly cares about everything that he does.  I'm not sure he would approve of me publishing his soft side on the internet, but both of those sides together make him an amazing father and father-in-law.  I am grateful that he is a part of my family now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Precious Moments

So, I read the book Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson.  You know, the lady from Prove who got in a plane crash and burned 80 percent of her body and recovered? Yeah, this is her book. Let me just tell you how absolutely amazing it was to read.  She really put some things into perspective for me.  After the crash she struggled, as any person would be.  But to kinda help her recover, she talked about the precious moments that she shared with her husband as well as each of her children.  This has inspired me.

To be honest, this move has been harder on me than I let on.  I mean I know that I am here for a reason and am more than happy to support my husband, but it has been lonely.  I know that this is because I have nothing to do day in and day out, and that when I start working next week I will probably be missing the days of no real responsibilities, but right now, it is hard.  Since being out here, even though I have been working out more than I did in Utah, I have been gaining some weight, which, I don't care how "skinny" you are, gaining weight for any woman is depressing, especially if you are working out.  On top of that I spend most of my day alone in our cute little apartment.  It is cute and I love it, but the walls feel like they are caving in at times!  So I have been feeling a little bit sorry for myself for gaining weight and being alone all day. Then "Nie Nie" talked about how miserable her days are with all the bandage changes and medication and hardly being able to get out of bed and I had to scold myself.  So in the spirit of looking at the bright side, I have come up with a list of daily precious moments that I get to have during these weeks of no work and no nothing.

1.  Waking up and going to the gym with Zack.  It is a bit of a walk from the car to the weight room, and I honestly cherish the walks that I get to spend with him hand in hand talking about school and our future and all of that before he heads off for the day.
2. Eating dinner every night together.  Since school started, I have tried to make a nice dinner every night.  I have succeeded almost every day since we got here! (besides tonight, we went and got pizza)  But that time where we are eating dinner and discussing the day really does make my heart swell. I love it.
3. Reading scriptures. No matter how busy the day gets, I love having those guaranteed 20 minutes every night where I get to spend time growing closer to my husband and closer to Heavenly Father.  I don't care how frustrated you are with someone, or how neglected you feel, or any negative feelings that you may have, when you sit and study the word of God together, any hard feelings just melt away, and are replaced with feelings of complete love and adoration.
4. This one was hard for me to get to at first, but then I talked to my mom last night and she helped me see it for the wonderful blessing that it is.  I study with Zack.  If he has a presentation, I help him put it together.  I edit his papers, and I listen to his speeches that he has to give over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.  So many times in fact, that I could give the presentation myself and still get a pretty freaking good grade on it.  At first, it was hard and sucky to stay up late to read and edit papers several times over (My husband is VERY much a perfectionist, so these papers get edited more times than I think they need to).  But then my mom helped me see how special that time was.  So I am grateful for it.

I know it has been a while since we have posted pictures, BUT we haven't really had time to take any.  Zack did take me out on our weekly date night last Friday night to Olive Garden and to the mall to get him a planner and me a phone case. We had a blast! And his grades are coming good so far!  He had his mid-terms today and will have his finals on Thursday or Friday.  Crazy how fast he blasts through these classes.  Well I had better go pack Zack's lunch for tomorrow and get his gym clothes and bag packed.  Til next time!

Refreshment tent = not just snacks!

Warning, this post my be a little sappy for the faint of heart.

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to work for a class reunion/Alumni weekend for Notre Dame.  My main job was a greeter/ticket sales person at the refreshment tent.  My hours were very late at night, from about 4 in the afternoon til 1 AM.  For those of you who don't know, Refreshment tent is IN is not the same as the refreshments we have after firesides or other church meetings.  Refreshments here mean alcohol.  My job was to sell $30 tickets for people to get into the tent where they were able to take unlimited amounts of drinks.  So I spent the weekend around very drunk people from ages about 28-78, trying to live up their glory college days.

Drunk people are pretty funny at first.  Especially in a reunion setting.  They are all happy and excited and just all around fun to be around.  Honestly, at first, it makes the whole drinking scene look a little appetizing. You just hold a drink and sip on it and feel relaxed and loose.  Most of the time it seems like everything is so much more funny when people are starting to drink.  So at first working this thing, I was feeling like it wasn't even a big deal to be around at all.  In fact, it was pretty fin, I love to laugh, and everyone around me was so happy seeming and it was just a fun atmosphere.

Then, all of a sudden, things start to change.  Things go from funny to insanely hilarious to the point where they are almost falling over from laughing so hard.  As people come in and out of the tent, they are more abrasive and not very kind.  And by this point even the people coming into the tent to get more drinks are coming to me to buy a ticket already drunk, and are not very happy when they find out it is $30 to get in.  They all start to lie and say that they wouldn't drink if I would just let them in, and most men, no matter their age, would revert to trying to flirt with me to get in.  Well, I am happily married and understand that I am young, and a few little comments from others are mostly harmless, but when they are drunk, its not harmless comments.  They don't control themselves or what comes out of their mouths.  It is not pleasant.

I was also subjected to the nasty, absolutely physical and sexual comments that were supposed to be flirting between people who were married.  However they were sexually flirtatious with people who were not their spouses.  I heard one lady, class of 87, so near my mom's age, who was flirting with her old college fling.  He was flirting right back, and I decided to listen to what they were saying.  He asked her how her husband and children are. she said the kids are great and so is her husband, but, you know how it is, we have been married for almost 20 years now.  I just don't think marriages are supposed to last that long, we have just been married too long. I don't love him they way I should, and I think it will end soon anyways.  Needless to say, they left the refreshment tent with her being barely able to stand without leaning on her new/old fling, hand in hand with her hand rubbing his butt.

I know not to  judge. I know that is wrong, so I am not judging them, I just feel so sorry for her husband and children.  I hope this weekend didn't destroy their lives.  All I know is that I am so very happy for my set of beliefs that almost 20 years is not nearly enough for a marriage.  I am grateful to know that I married a man who is committed to me not only for our earthly life, but for the rest of forever.  When you make the covenants to each other as well as God that you are committed for eternity, small arguments like whether the house is clean or wanting more attention, become less shattering, and you know that your marriage will survive that.

I know that every encounter with alcohol isn't life shattering, and that a lot of times people control themselves, but I am grateful that my husband and I both don't believe in drinking.  I am grateful that my husband's love for me is not just physical, and that I didn't get stuck with a man who can only give me physical attention, but that he is attentive to my emotional needs as well.  I hope this post is not offensive to anyone who reads it who does drink, but I grateful for my life the way it is.

I am grateful for the temple behind us where we were sealed for time and all eternity! I am also grateful for the way he looks at me. It is obvious that he loves me for everything that I am, even for my flaws, and I love him back for the same.

I am grateful for his wonderful kiss, and how it means so much more than I could have ever imagined.

For more information on my beliefs, and to learn about keeping your family together for eternity, visit www.mormon.org

Til next time!

Zack's first big day!!

Well, it came and went! Zacks big first day of school!! He was very well prepared and did great! It is always had to tell what the semester will be like this early on, but so far it seems like a humongous work load, but nothing he isn't ready for. He is great at studying and started all his homework before the semester started so he is ahead of the game! I will keep you posted on what happens! Til next time...!

The Grand Tour!

Wow! What a weekend it has been! Yesterday we took a tour with Zack's MBA program all around the Football stadium.  It was a very cool experience.  We had a man who led us and played the bag pipes the whole time until we got inside the actual stadium.  It was a blast. I will load the pictures and then at the end give you a little summary of the things we learned and how it all went.

The Bag Pipe guy!

This a lounge room for old players and their families to come during game weekends and just hang out and talk about the Glory Days.

A picture of the tunnel the team goes out onto the field from! (bad weather prohibited us from actually going onto the field)

Us with some of the lockers

If you watched Rudy, do these windows look familiar??

Living the dream... This is him just as he is about to hit it! can you see the excitement on his face even though its blurry? I can!

Walking out the tunnel!

The grass was seriously like a fairway on a golf course. The picture does not do it justice. It was sooo green!

You can see the bag pipe guy up at front. Lucky for him from Zack's Business building its just across the street to the stadium, I think he was getting a little tired of playing. It was freezing cold and raining, not hard, just sprinkling, but still, it was freezing.

The famous sign!

This is the tunnel the team goes out onto the field. I have another picture where you can actually see the field but Zack liked this one because he said it depicts the feeling he had perfectly because it looks like you are going to Heaven.

The view from the Press Box where we had lunch and listened to a really great speaker.

The famous locker room!

Zack in his "Heaven"!

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So, it was a wonderful tour. And after the tour we went up to the press box to have lunch and socialize and listen to a speaker.  Honestly when I was first looking at everything,  like the locker room and all of that, I was a little shocked.  I guess I expected some top of the line technology and beautiful huge lockers and really just like all around nicer stuff!  And, I mean, while everything is nice, and not bad at all, it honestly wasn't like some huge crazy ordeal like I expected.  What I realized, though, was that it isn't all the bells and whistles that makes ND special.  I mean, it is a BEAUTIFUL campus, and there are some very extraordinary buildings, and definitely some places that have all those bells and whistles, but that isn't what makes the whole experience special. It is the tradition that is there. It is all the history and all the amazing spectacular things that have happened there that makes this such a wonderful place. (and I think the fact that movies have been filmed there help out a little too)  This got me thinking a little bit about traditions and how special they are and how they really to make a difference.  Then we had a speaker at lunch who talked a little about traditions.  Did you know that until recently ND did not play recorded music at their football games?? Because of tradition! And did you also know that their football stadium doesn't have a video board? Because people say it is traditional at ND not to have one.  So then, I started thinking, well, how do you keep the sense of tradition but still progress forward and adapt to the new ways of life?  And I was drawing parallels to my married life. Zack and I both have traditions from our families that are very special to us, but how do we keep that sense of tradition but still make it into something that is special to "us" rather than just to Zack or just to me.  Then, the speaker said something along these lines.  I have to find out what these "traditions" are, and why they are traditions.  Once I get to the bottom of where this tradition started, I look at that and see if it is still something that is useful or meaningful to me or my community.  If it is, I keep the tradition.  If it turns out the tradition just really started because of a fluke thing, or we can't even figure out why this "tradition" exists, then I change it!

How wonderful it was to hear someone talk to us about that.  We need to look at what traditions are and how they work for us and if we can change them to make them more effective in our lives.  Recently, I have struggled with scripture study and trying to stay awake for them and pay attention at the same time.  If we try to read together in the mornings, we just never do, and we are too tired for it to get through our minds.  But if we read right before bed, which is what we have established as a "tradition", I feel like I am more focused on staying awake and getting through then actually studying and looking for a message.  So Zack and I have been talking about it and discussing what we can do to make this tradition more useful to us.  We came up with reading as soon as we clean up dinner.  We will eat, clean, read.  So far t has really  helped us pay better attention and look deeper into the scriptures.

Now that I have rambled on for quite a while, I will end this post. Til next time!