"the story" Part 2

Ok well I think I should just get it all out on the line.  Zack and I struggled to have children for 4.5 years, during that time suffering 2 miscarriages, and going through many doctors and never really got an answer.  Everyone said that it seemed like we should get pregnant no problem and that we just needed to be patient.  Well I knew something was wrong, I could just feel it.  Finally, after moving to Ohio, I got in with an absolutely AMAZING doctor.  He broke infertility down into 3 sections.  He said infertility is ALWAYS one of three problems.  It is either the man, the egg, or the uterus.  We know Zack is all clear, so we can narrow it down to the egg or the uterus.  (Disclaimer: this was a very fast conversation, and I may have gotten some facts a little off, but it at least gives you the idea)  We have done ultrasounds and he didn't see anything that made him think that it was my uterus, so he said we should start with the eggs.  Then he smiled at me and told me he bet we would be pregnant within the next 2 months. As exciting as this was, I have actually heard this exact phrase from every doctor that I have been to, so I was excited but still cautious.  I like to say: cautiously optimistic.  Anyways, he put me on Femara (sp?) to make my eggs grow, and then we did an ultrasound to see if they did.  Well, they didn't grow big enough.  So the next month we upped the dosage.  Still the eggs were too small.  So we started with some shots.  I forget the name of it, but it was something like Menopur. It was a shot that I took every night for 5 nights along with taking the Femara. the first month of this, I had 4 big eggs on the right side!! Such good news!!! We were pretty nervous about multiples, but no pregnancy.  We did the same dosage the next month, only I had 8 eggs this time!  All on the right side again.  We were EXTREMELY excited and the doctor even told us that he was so sure that we would get pregnant that he hoped that we just didn't fertilize all 8 eggs, because my body probably wouldn't handle being octo-mom very well.  However, yet again, I was not pregnant.  This really puzzled the doctor.  He saw we had a problem, we fixed it, so I should be getting pregnant now no problem.  That is when we decided to do more testing.  This was not a good month for me.  We found out that on my own, my body does not make eggs that are big enough or healthy enough for pregnancy.  But we fixed that with all those miserable meds that I was taking. (they make me so so sick and gave me horrible headaches.)  Then we did another test and to spare the ugly details, we found out that my right Fallopian tube is blocked.  So all that pain and suffering to make those eggs on the right side was for nothing.  Because no matter if I had 100 eggs on the right side, they would not be able to sustain a pregnancy because that tube is blocking them from implanting to my uterus.  Honestly after getting this news I just gave up. My left side was healthy tube wise but I never made any eggs on that side.  I was heart broken.  I squared my shoulders and told Zack that once the holiday season was over we should start the adoption process.  Zack was more hopeful than I, but still agreed that we could start the process after the new year.

As far as I was concerned, the rest of the doctors appointments were just going through the motions, because I was just too sad and too down to care anymore.  We went to the doctors before I ovulated and low and behold, there was an egg on the left side.  Not only one, but there was even another one that was borderline ready.  Doctor told us to wait a few days and then take my last shot which was ovadrill, which makes me ovulate.  Zack was through the roof and over the moon excited. I was indifferent.  I was too heart broken to even care about it anymore and honestly I was setting my heart on adopting a sweet little baby.  

Come Thanksgiving break, the day after Thanksgiving, I decided that I should take a pregnancy test just to rule the secret quiet nagging question in my head and so that I would be prepared when I saw the period starting.  I took a test that morning, of course Zack knew, we were at his parents house, and I knew that I would not see a positive test.  I took the test and then laid down for a while. Finally, when I looked, I saw not one, but two pink lines. One was very dark.  But the other was quite light.  My heart sank.  Not this again.  This was how my tests looked when I found out the first two times, and both times I had miscarried before I even reached 5.5 weeks. But something told me that this time was different. I showed Zack and he was the same as me. Excited, but very nervous. We have been down this path before.  So I had another test, and took it the following day.  Two pink lines again. And this time, it was darker. Not as dark as the test line, but definitely there.  I showed Zack. We got excited.  But again, cautiously optimistic.  Finally, about 3 weeks after that, I went to the doctors and he ran a bunch of tests.  Test results: 95% chance of a healthy, happy take home baby.  We were so excited and as soon as I saw that little heard beat on the screen, I lost it.  A long long time ago, before I knew we would have troubles getting pregnant, before we were even trying to have a baby, Zack gave me a blessing that promised me that we would have our own children when the time was right.  A month previous, he promised me the same thing again, and this time told me that my body was preparing to get pregnant.  I didn't realize just how soon that blessing was meant to come to pass.

To all my infertile friends: Miracles absolutely do happen. Nobody knows how or when your miracle will come but let me tell you this. I think back to my hopeless and stubborn feelings just about 2 months ago and I hate myself for it.  Here was Heavenly Father trying to give me the biggest blessing of my life aside from Zack, and I am there acting like a spoiled child who didn't get their way.  Trust him. Trust him every single day even when you want to doubt him because you feel so broken.  I wish that I could have seen the blessings that awaited me.  Your blessings await you too. And you want to be faithful the whole way through.